Wondering how to initiate sex after a dry spell? You’re far from the only one. It’s perfectly normal to go through peaks and troughs in your sex life as responsibilities and changing hormones change priorities.
Sex isn’t important to everyone and there are plenty of ways to boost intimacy in a relationship without physical connection. It’s also not uncommon to have a relationship without any sex, research suggests. A survey published in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour found that more than 15% of married people hadn’t had sex in the previous year. Of course, the actual statistics for this will be much higher – not everyone wants to admit they’re in a dry spell.
If sex is important to you, you might find that a dry spell impacts your relationship and reconnecting will be the way to revive romance. The good news is that Esther Perel can reveal how after sitting down to interview with Goop.
In a perfect world, we’d all have exclusive access to Esther Perel’s relationship wisdom. She’s one of the most sought-after sex and relationship therapists in the world and often, the only insights we get are from her podcast, Where Should We Begin? But, in a rare interview, Perel has shared her advice on how to spice up your relationship by reigniting desire and “tapping into new erotic possibilities”.
How to initiate sex after dry spell
1. Be an ‘erotic’ couple
Being an ‘erotic’ couple is very important, says Perel. “The key ingredients of the erotic are creativity, curiosity, playfulness, presence, and pleasure,” she told interviewers, adding that some couples who come to see her want to know how they can have “more” sex – but every one of them asks her how to have better sex.
The answer to that question, she says, “is the cultivation of that aliveness” that comes from these ingredients, rather than specific tick boxes like sex toys or particular techniques.
“Erotic couples know that sex isn’t just something you do – because in sex you can do a lot and feel very little, but in the erotic, you can do very little and feel a lot.”
2. Expand your definition of sex
Getting back on track with your sex life may not mean actually having sex, Perel says, at least not right away. She says it’s important to expand your definition of sex “beyond the acts and genitals” to rekindle the sexual spark.
She recommends including breathwork, eye contact, and deliberate and slow touch in your relationship, as well as learning how to build trust in a relationship again and being willing to take risks.
3. Stop talking about the dry spell
While it can be tempting to want to grill your partner about all the reasons why your sex life has dwindled, Perel advises against this. She says: “No one has ever wanted more sex from talking for hours about the sex that they’re not having.”
Fair enough. She recommends trying some questions to build intimacy in your relationship instead. “Start with the prompt, ‘I turn myself off when…’ or “I shut down by…’ This is not the same as ‘you turn me off when,’ or ‘what turns me off is…’,” she says.
She also recommends questions like:
- What does sex mean to you?
- What do you want to experience in sex?
- What parts of yourself do you connect with during sex?
- Is sex a place you go for transcendence? For mischief? A party for the senses? To be vulnerable? To be naughty? To escape responsibility and good citizenship?
These questions and more feature in Esther Perel’s own card game, which she made to help couples build deeper intimacy and open up.
4. Avoid being critical
When talking openly and honestly about your sex life, “it’s important to stay kind rather than critical”, says Perel. “Staying open to possibility and being willing to have new erotic experiences is going to relieve the pressure valve and open up dialogue.”
You might be feeling anxious during the conversation. To prevent this from putting you off what you want to say, the psychotherapist suggests taking the hand of your partner and putting it somewhere on your body that feels “safe, secure, good”, and then moving it to another place.
“Create a situation of a giver and a receiver where the receiver is entirely in charge,” she says.
5. Ask for what you want
Finally, Perel suggests those struggling with how to initiate sex after a dry spell think about two verbs. The verbs – “to receive” and “to share” – shape how we think and talk about sex, she says. “Ask yourself: which of these verbs is the one that comes easiest for you and which is more challenging? Is there one that could use a little extra care?”
Start with small steps, she says, and see what it’s like to be “given to” when you ask. And remember – “ask for what you want rather than complaining about what you don’t get”, she says. “When you’ve asked once, ask again.”
Who is Esther Perel?
Esther Perel is a psychotherapist specialising in sex and relationships. She is a bestselling author, having written Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, and a popular podcaster.
Her podcast, Where Should We Begin? was reviewed by us as one of the best relationship podcasts to download.
If you’re a fan of Apple TV’s The Morning Show, you might recognise Perel as the psychotherapist who is interviewed by Alex Levy (Jennifer Aniston) in the latest series.
