‘I put myself in rehab to save my family’ Mum-of-two shares how her drinking escalated during lockdown

In late 2019, my mental health deteriorated. I became convinced there was tragedy ahead and constantly worried the children would have an accident or get sick. I developed OCD, where I had to get dressed in a certain order, or swallow a specific number of times. If I didn’t, I believed my children would come to harm. I didn’t confide in anyone as I feared being judged.

One or two glasses of wine a night turned into three or four, and things escalated during the 2020 lockdowns. It felt socially acceptable to drink during the day, so I had wine with lunch, then a few more glasses in the afternoon. My husband Richard, who enjoyed the occasional drink, would make the odd comment about me ‘starting early’, but I’d just ignore him.

As I became more dependent on booze, I needed to drink more and more to get the same feeling of numb relaxation. I started to get up early to drink in secret, as well as wait until Richard went to bed at night to drink more.

But I never drank around the children – they were either asleep, with Richard’s mum, or at school and nursery. I’d hide bottles in the garden until recycling day, and shower and brush my teeth several times a day to make sure Richard didn’t smell wine on me. By December 2020, I was drinking three bottles a day, which I bought using my credit card.

By now, Richard knew I had a problem. He’d try to talk to me about it, but I’d flatly deny it. Once, I was cooking and forgot about the pans on the hob – thankfully, Richard dealt with the smoke and fed the kids. He told me he felt scared and helpless, but to me, all that mattered was my next drink.

In November 2021, he and his mum sat me down and told me I needed to get help. Terrified Richard was going to leave me, I went to my GP.

By then, I’d started to experience tremors and twitching in my limbs, and my speech would slur even when I was sober. The doctor told me that my alcohol consumption was to blame for my health problems. It was a huge wake-up call. Just admitting I was an alcoholic felt like a weight had been lifted. I was placed on a waiting list for a residential detox programme and, in the meantime, I tried to cut down my drinking, with Richard’s support, but I was unable to stop completely.

It was scary realising alcohol controlled me. By that point, I’d racked up £8,000 on my credit card through drinking, too. In August 2022, I went to rehab. I couldn’t imagine a life without alcohol, but I knew I had to do it to save my family, my marriage – and my own life. The programme lasted a week and the first two days were hell as I withdrew from alcohol, shaking and sweating with headaches and anxiety. After that, I joined group counselling sessions.

When I was discharged after a week, I felt frightened and knew it was all down to me at that point. Since then, I’ve had support from my local drug and alcohol team. Richard has also stopped drinking to support me, and I’m slowly paying off my debt. Over the past 18 months I’ve rebuilt myself – I eat healthily, take long walks and go to the gym. I’ve never relapsed, and I avoid situations where people will be drinking a lot.

My anxiety and OCD are also under control, which means I’m not drinking to self-medicate any more. Richard and I are closer now – and I’m so grateful he stood by me. Alcoholism is a lifelong battle, but I only have to look at my children to feel motivated to stay sober.