Parenting methods seem to be multiplying – a new one springs out every now and again, becoming the method to try. My children are now 11 and 10 I’ve never followed one, and and wouldn’t even if I had my time again.
As a family writer, I write about parenting styles all the time, and it seems fairly ironic that I’ve never followed one myself. When I was pregnant it never even crossed my mind that I’d follow a particular set of rules for raising my children. I thought love, a bit of structure and some decent boundaries would see me through. And it has, apparently – the more I find out about parenting methods, the more I know my choice to not follow one was right for me.
Reading about people who regret gentle parenting and the woman who tried it for a week and found it made her a worse mum, cements my relief that I didn’t give myself yet another thing to feel guilty about when it went wrong.
There’s also so many parenting styles too – from the traditional methods such as attachment, helicopter and tiger – to more recent trends that include sturdy, and parallel parenting. Take your eye off the ball and another one springs out from behind a bush to be saluted as the next great thing.
New trends come with promises they’ll definitely give you a well-rounded, emotionally intelligent, resilient, critical thinking adult – basically a walking buzzword who doesn’t embarrass you by being a sociopath.
Obviously, there’s nothing wrong with raising a child who turns out to be any of those things. But I don’t see why we need a spreadsheet of dos and don’ts to achieve this, and to worship experts who think their advice and method is the only way to get your kids to be their best selves. Some followers of certain parenting styles treat it like a cult, and these so-called saintly mothers can be the worst of the worst – handmaidens of the patriarchy with their ‘pick me’ feminism. Anyone is better off out of that, surely.
Even the questionable parents are getting their own labels – eggshell parenting is thinly veiled abuse, and the free range parents have come under fire for letting their kids run alone and barefoot through the streets, instead of kitting them out in hazmat suits and positive mantras to fend off infection and danger.
For those who have seen that classic film, Gremlins, it’s like someone took the original parenting method, got it wet and fed it after midnight – and so spawned all the other parenting methods. Soon, we’ll have Vertigo Parenting for those who feel so overwhelmed by all the noise about what they should be doing when it comes to raising kids, they fall over in a dizzy heap. There might also be Avian Parenting, where parents push their kids from the nest (leave them on the doorstep) and let them figure things out on their own.
“Soon, we’ll have Vertigo Parenting for those who feel so overwhelmed by all the noise about what they should be doing when it comes to raising kids, they fall over in a dizzy heap.”
Of course, my opinion won’t be everyone’s experience. I know people who’ve followed certain parenting styles rigidly and love following a framework. They also achieve the desired outcome and have empathetic children who understand their emotions or know how to talk about them. I just can’t cope with that level of structure or labelling. I’ve always been a ‘fluid’ person or a ‘fence sitter.’ I quietly weigh up what’s in front of me and change my mind about things depending on what I’m thinking or feeling, and what’s happening at the time.
The thought of committing to anything particularly structured just isn’t for me. When I had to make a birthing plan and was asked which pain relief I did or did not want, I thought it was a ridiculous question. ‘Well, I have no idea how it’s going to feel, so I’ll start at the bottom of the pain relief spectrum and move my way up depending on how it goes?’ I replied with a slight upturn at the end in my intonation, because it seemed alien to take part in the ‘I’m going to do this without pain relief’ Olympics some of the antenatal mums entered into.
The same went for breastfeeding ‘how long are you planning to breastfeed for?’ seems a silly question. ‘I don’t know – I’ll see what happens. I’m not going to put a number on something, it’s setting yourself up for failure’ seemed the only appropriate response. So, it’s no surprise I took the same ‘let’s see how it goes’ approach to raising my children. I had no idea how I’d take to parenting and no idea what kind of children I’d get – no parenting method is going to fundamentally alter personality, and I don’t believe implementing one would’ve changed anything for us.
Not that I’d want it to. My eldest is quiet and thoughtful, and well behaved almost to a fault. There are things I do need to nurture in him, including the ability to be a bit more fierce and vocal when the situation needs it, but this will come with time and we’ve identified what he needs. My youngest is a ball of energy who can get into trouble for his opinions and the sheer amount of noise he can make. He also knows when to back down and when to apologise when he’s done something he needs to think carefully about.
“I won’t apologise for being human and being ‘reactive.’ I’m absolutely fine carrying on just the way I am and you won’t find me searching for what I should’ve said instead, or losing sleep over the fact I might’ve scarred my kids for life.”
Essentially, I wouldn’t change a thing. I’ll dip into parenting advice online if I need it, and have a mutter and a swear to myself if I can’t be bothered. Some days we have endless conversations about anything and everything – history, our favourite memories, and where our families have come from. Other days the little one might throw a punch and have the mutter and swear that I do as an adult. What I don’t do when this happens, is feel the need for a full psychoanalysis of what sparked the incident, and a full breakdown of everyone’s feelings about it followed by a dissertation of what we’ll do differently next time.
I also won’t feel guilty about sometimes defusing a situation perfectly, and others just shouting ‘what in the flip bloomin’ whatnot did you do that for?’ which may or may may not be code for saying something else entirely – I won’t apologise for being human and being ‘reactive.’ I’m absolutely fine carrying on just the way I am and you won’t find me searching for what I should’ve said instead, or losing sleep over the fact I might’ve scarred my kids for life.
Apparently we’ll all do something to mess them up, whether we strap them to our chests until they’re teenagers, or let them flick a light switch on and off until they cause a fire for a teachable moment where they learn actions have consequences – we’re all doing what we can to get through the ride, and I don’t think we need labels to do it.
If you’re still interested in finding out about parenting styles, you might be interested to read about sturdy parenting, plastic-wrap parenting, and tiger parenting.
