A psychologist has revealed why, despite it seeming otherwise, it’s totally normal for people not to share a close bond with their siblings.
Most parents will find themselves, at least at some point during their kids’ childhoods, spending a large portion of their time preventing sibling rivalry and the conflicts that arise from it. And while it’s been proven that kids who fight with their siblings go on to fare better in life, it’s true that these family conflicts often leave siblings to drift apart as they grow up.
It’s something that often isn’t spoken about but psychologist Dr Nicole LePera is keen to change that. “There’s nothing wrong with you if you aren’t close to your sibling,” she said in a now-viral Instagram post.
“As a society, we have the idea that our siblings are built-in best friends. But, for many reasons, sometimes there isn’t a true bond or connection with our siblings,” she added, before breaking down six reasons why people may not share that close connection.
1. You were abused by your sibling
2. You were raised in a dysfunctional home where you were forced to compete for love or affection
3. You didn’t share the same interests or didn’t understand each other
4. There was a large age gap
5. You both spend a lot of time away from your home growing up
6. Your parents separated and you had different living arrangements
“Whatever relationship you have with your sibling, know there is no type of relationship you’re ‘supposed’ to have,” she promised.
Her candid post prompted hundreds of people to open up and share their own thoughts and experience in the comments.
“My sister and I always had a contentious relationship growing up,” one wrote. “I’m seven years younger than her and I felt condescended to, bullied and embarrassed by her a lot growing up. As an adult, she became very defensive and combative anytime I held a new boundary. I walked away, I processed, I grieved, and now that I’m on the other side of it it feels so liberating to not be in contact. I love her from a distance and I wish her well, but we’re not meant to intersect here on this planet”
Another added, “I don’t have a close relationship with any of my siblings and I’m ok with it. It’s other people who have a hard time understanding and it’s not my job to explain it to them.”
“For so long, I was always the one putting in the effort,” one person shared. “I was always the one flying out to see my brother and his family. But nothing ever changed.. he would still just ignore me the majority of the time I visited. Now I’ve dropped the weight of the one-sided relationship and just don’t care to try anymore. It feels so much better accepting it for what it is instead of trying to force something only to be disappointed each time.”
Claire Law, a teacher, relational psychotherapist, and a senior contributor at educational resources blog Holly Dog Blog is pleased that the post has got people talking about this subject, saying that it’s great to see people challenging the perceived social norm of being close with siblings.
Speaking exclusively to GoodToKnow she said, “From a psychological perspective, not feeling close to your siblings is completely normal and understandable. Throughout my career, I’ve worked with many individuals navigating complex family dynamics.
“What I’ve found is that sibling relationships are deeply influenced by many factors. For instance, siblings close in age may experience more rivalry as they compete for attention, while those further apart might have a more supportive dynamic.”
But no matter what has caused your sibling relationship to sour, Law says that the only person who needs to understand it is yourself, so you can move on and leave any guilt behind.
“If you’re feeling distant from your siblings, know that you’re not alone and also that it doesn’t mean your family is broken,” she said. “Every sibling dynamic is unique. By extending compassion to yourself and examining your family patterns with curiosity, you can gain valuable insight and self-understanding – no matter how close or far apart you are.”
In other family news, oldest siblings tend to earn more than their brothers and sisters, studies show – and now researchers think they know why. Plus, is your middle child always starting arguments with siblings? Dr Becky reveals why they’re doing it. And, elsewhere, what’s the Ozempic baby boom? Doctor explains the link between the weight loss drug and fertility.
