One mum went online to share feelings of envy about her child-free friends, and why she was ‘sold a lie’ about the realities of being a mum. Although seemingly taboo, it would be easier if more women had these conversations.
Women are often left bearing the brunt of the mental load once they have a baby. If they return to work, they can also find flexible working difficult to come by, coupled with the blow of finding they sometimes earn significantly less than working fathers.
With these challenges of having a baby aside, just the sheer bomb going off in your life that is becoming a parent, can be the biggest adjustment you’ll ever have to make. As much as you gaze at your new bundle in awe and with a heart full of love, it’s also ok to find being constantly needed difficult. You might miss your old body and your old life, everything turns upside down and it can cause confusion, anxiety, and as one mum reveals – envy of child-free friends.
Sharing her feelings on Reddit, the mother wrote about regretting motherhood. “I have a long time friend that I’ll call ‘Maria’, not her real name of course,” she began, adding “We have known each other for years now. She chose to be childfree. I chose motherhood after an unplanned pregnancy. I regret it every day. I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and everything is hell. I try and put on a brave face, but every day, I wish I was Maria.
She travels. She sleeps in. She’s always getting her nails and hair and lashes done. She’s retraining to get a different career because she hated her field. She travels abroad. I hate everything about parenthood. I even regret my husband because he promised to be an equal parent but I’ve been doing almost ALL of it.
I don’t find this fulfilling at all. I love them but I wish I wasn’t a mother. I hate it. I’m sick of meltdowns, fights over iPads and putting on shoes, cleaning, and living in the suburbs to have enough space for them. I feel like I was sold a lie.”
“I hate everything about parenthood. I even regret my husband because he promised to be an equal parent but I’ve been doing almost ALL of it.”
The mother certainly isn’t alone in her feelings, with studies suggesting 5 – 14 per cent of people regret having children. And unlike any other major commitment you undertake, there’s no way of taking it back. That can be a shocking realisation and doesn’t make you a bad person for feeling that way.
Such is the taboo around speaking out about parenting regret, the mum we spoke to wished to remain anonymous. She shares “I really feel for the woman who spoke out in the Reddit post. My husband was exactly the same, and couldn’t wait to become a dad and talked about all the things he’d do with our daughter and how helpful he’d be. Once she arrived he backed out of all those things quite spectacularly and I did absolutely everything.
I grew resentful of him, and everyone around me who didn’t have kids. I deleted my social media accounts because seeing everyone I knew without children having so much freedom while I felt so trapped, threw me into a spiral of devastation and longing. I felt it was expected you told everyone how much you loved being a mum because any other answer would’ve made you a pariah. I wanted to scream the truth at people most of the time – I wished with all my heart I could take it back.”
Clinical psychologist Emily Guarnotta shares ways of managing feelings of parenting regret with Therapy Rooms. She suggests acknowledging your feelings and not judging yourself are the first steps to moving forwards. Boosting your support network will help – get parents, friends, extended family on board to help. There’s nothing more hard and lonely than parenting and if it’s a process you’re not enjoying, you’ll feel these emotions more keenly.
Accepting your feelings and knowing they’re likely to pass one day is another big step. If you need help to process these emotions, or if your feelings come from postnatal depression, reaching out for help from a professional will be beneficial either way. Contact your GP if you’re really struggling. It’s hard when women are frightened to discuss these feelings among themselves. You can still love your child and prefer your old life – these complicated feelings can coexist, if only it were less taboo to have them existing out in the open.
We delve further into how to embrace and survive motherhood, and why it’s so important to break down the myths associated with becoming a mum. Parenting expert and psychologist Dr Becky, believes good parents spend time away from their kids – it’s good for all involved.
