‘Should I defend my daughter against barbed comments?’

Where there are three people involved in any relationship, the danger is that someone is left out, and feels abandoned or criticised.

That is what’s happening in this Ask Anna column. A reader wanted my advice after she could tell her daughter was getting upset by the comments her father – the reader’s ex-husband – and his wife were making about her parenting.

Navigating family dynamics

The reader said: “My daughter is in her 30s, has a supportive husband and a one-year-old son. Unfortunately, her father (my ex-husband) and his partner – her stepmother – comment negatively on her parenting skills, suggesting she’s not strict enough about routines. They live nearby, so it happens frequently.

“My daughter bites her tongue, but I can see she’s upset by these remarks, and it’s grating on me too. Should I say something?”

grandparenting. Then I looked closer, and wondered if it was a question around divorce.

Then I stood back, regarded the family as a ‘constellation’ and considered if the whole thing was about the complexity of blended families. The truth is, it’s all of the above. It struck me just how many triangles there are going on within this group.

Firstly, there’s the triangle of your daughter, her husband and their little boy – a healthy and happy new family unit.

Then there’s the triangle of you, your ex-husband and your daughter. As the product of divorced parents, she’s bound to feel some sensitivity.

After that, you have the triangle of your daughter, your ex-husband and his new partner.

And finally, there’s the relationship between you, your ex-husband and his partner.

Being the Rescuer

You don’t say whether you and your ex separated amicably, or whether you get along well with his new partner, but what I do know is that all of this smacks of what psychotherapists refer to as the ‘drama triangle’. Based on Karpman’s Drama Triangle, a model of human interaction, it describes dysfunctional relationships where those involved shift between three roles – Persecutor, Victim and Rescuer – all held in place by guilt and blame.

If we apply this to your scenario, from your perspective, your ex and his partner are commenting negatively on your daughter’s parenting skills… in other words, they sit in the Persecutor position.

You tell us that your daughter is polite, but you can see that she’s upset… making her the Victim. And then you’re worried about your daughter’s distress, and wondering whether to step in. Which makes you the Rescuer.

The problem here is that if you do say something to your ex, then the roles switch – you become the Persecutor, your ex-husband becomes the Victim, and your daughter (or her partner) then steps in as the Rescuer. And so it goes round. Family drama after family drama.

“Stepping away doesn’t mean you care less”

As a parent, it’s your job to notice what roles you play (or are placed into), and whether it fits into this dynamic of the drama triangle. If it does, then there’s a simple way to change it: just step away from it.

When you stop the game, you stop the drama. By placing yourself in a ‘neutral’ position, you stop trying to fix the problem, cease controlling the people around you, and allow others to work it out for themselves.

Speak to your daughter first

As a mum, you’re a natural caretaker, wanting to protect your daughter if she’s hurting. No doubt there’s guilt, blame and obligation swirling around for all of you. Stepping away doesn’t mean you care less about your daughter. It means you’re empowering her.

Ask your daughter if she feels her dad’s remarks about her parenting skills are upsetting her. And if they are, encourage her to speak directly to him about it. It’s only by drawing boundaries that we all grow up and become adults – and by extension, good parents.