If I tell my friend what I’m going through, she flips it back to her

This reader letter is quietly moving, as it comes from a woman going through an experience that may be familiar to many of us, but that none of us would wish on our worst enemy: a battle with cancer.

She acknowledges that she’s lucky to have a support network, which I hope lends her the comfort she needs. The power of female friendship is not to be underestimated. However, one friend isn’t supporting her in the way that she needs right now.

Too much empathy?

Our reader wrote, “I have recently been diagnosed with cancer. It came as a shock, but I am lucky to have support.

“However, I am having an issue with one of my friends.

“She has previously had cancer and is in remission. Every time I tell her about what I’m going through, she turns the topic to what she went through, and I feel invalidated. How should I handle this?”

Your cancer experience is unique to you

First, thank you for getting in touch and sharing such a personal dilemma in such a public way. What you’re going through will resonate with so many people.

Second, I’m truly sorry about your diagnosis. Receiving news that you have cancer is a life-altering experience, however prepared you may be. It’s completely understandable that you’re feeling sensitive, especially when it comes to the way others are responding to you.

I’m relieved to hear that you have a support system too, even though one of your friends, despite having gone through this herself, isn’t offering you the kind of support you need.

A natural response here is to tut, roll my eyes and say, ‘Ah! I know how you feel,’ and regale you with situations where I’ve shared my latest shock, health fears or heartache with a pal. But I’m not going to do that. Because I don’t know how you feel. And I don’t know how your friend feels. I can only imagine.

excellent website with top tips from patients that advise people to say, ‘I can only imagine what you’re going through,’ when discussing cancer with someone else.

Every person has a different experience and that goes for you, your friend and the 3.5 million other people living with cancer in the UK.

Your friend thinks she’s helping

Before I advise you, it’s important to recognise that everyone comes with their own ‘story’ – all of us view our life through our own personal reality tunnel.

Yes, your pal may be coming across as being insensitive, but I imagine she’d be appalled to think she’s invalidating what you’re going through.

By being kind, supportive and lending you the benefit of a survivor’s journey, she may be reasoning that her solidarity is helping you through your treatment.

It may also be a coping mechanism for her – she might still carry trauma from her own cancer battle, and by talking about it is reassuring herself she’s come through the other side.

That doesn’t mean you have to accept it, but understanding where she might be coming from could help you approach the conversation with compassion rather than frustration.

Try to steer focus to what you need

However, the focus now is on you and what you need to get through what lies ahead. You could try to change the dynamic of the conversation in a non-confrontational way.

Let her know you admire her, that you recognise how difficult her own journey was, but that you’re in a different place and you need to talk about what’s happening to you instead. This signals you value her support, while setting a clear boundary.

If you sense that she isn’t receptive, or that she continues to dominate conversations, you might have to reassess how much emotional space you give to this friendship during your treatment.

It doesn’t mean you need to cut her off, but you can choose to limit how much you discuss your illness with her.

The fact is that you deserve to be heard, supported and validated through one of the most challenging periods of your life.

Cancer is a deeply personal journey, and what you need most is the freedom to express your emotions without feeling overshadowed or compared to someone else’s past.