When I binged-watched Adolescence, the brilliant, heart-wrenching show on Netflix, I had a visceral reaction to it. I felt overwhelmed – not just because of the powerful performances and storytelling, or because each episode was filmed in one take so viewers feel totally immersed in the story as it unfolds – but because, as the parent of a 13-year-old-boy, the focus on social media, misogynistic ideologies, and the shifting expectations of masculinity felt too close for comfort.
In an interview on BBC Sounds, co-creators Jack Thorne and Stephen Graham explained that they ‘went to some very dark places’ to make the show. ‘We had to look into ourselves… in order to look at male anger and male rage we sort of had to understand our own anger and our own rage and our own problems and our own cruelty, and the ways that we have been less than perfect,’ said Jack.
The show certainly made me reflect on my son and the way influencers, online trends, and cultural changes are shaping his attitudes towards women, emotions, and identity. It also made me question whether parents are inadvertently complicit in what their children are witnessing by not being stricter or more aware. This is something Stephen Graham wondered, too. ‘I remember when I saw the story on the news [about a boy who stabbed a girl], I judged. And I just thought it’s got to be the parents, and then I thought no, no, what if it’s not the parents. That was the angle we wanted to come at – we are all accountable in some respect,’ he said.
And in an interview with Jimmy Fallon, Stephen Graham explained ‘we didn’t want it to be a whodunnit, we wanted it to be more of a why’. This is relevant because for viewers who felt Adolescence is dismissive of the female victim (who actually appears in every episode in some shape or form), the actor explained that he was interested in what drives a boy to stab a girl. In essence, we can’t help the victims if we don’t understand the perpetrators.
As the parent of a 13-year-old-boy, the shifting expectations of masculinity felt too close for comfort
When I had a baby boy, I worried about how to raise him to respect and love women and see them as equals, without belittling his ‘maleness’. I wanted my son to feel like he could cry when he needed to, that he didn’t have to hide his sensitive side, and that he could always ask for support. But even I, to my shame, occasionally told him to get it together – not because I think that it’s bad for men to cry (quite the opposite), but because I didn’t want him to be judged by his peers.
As my son has grown, so has Andrew Tate’s popularity. Here’s a man who’s the epitome of so-called ‘toxic masculinity’ (not a new term, by the way – it was coined in 1980s). Tate’s extreme views of who men, and women, should be are deeply disturbing – he’s compared women to animals and property and condoned violence against women, and he favours brute strength over communication. But these opinions aren’t just harmful towards women, they damaging the men and boys who will ultimately suffer from these untruths and the resulting disconnect from their own emotions and from females.
Raising boys today is complicated, and we’re all are sailing through uncharted waters. Like many parents, I’m anxious about the impact of figures such as Andrew Tate, the messages my son absorbs from social media, and whether I’m doing enough to counterbalance them. Yet, the first time I watched Tate’s videos I laughed – surely, no one thought this was reasonable or progressive. I wasn’t laughing when I found out that, by the time Tate was banned from TikTok in 2022, his videos (on that platform alone) had been viewed 11.6 billion times.
This made me realise that many boys – including my own – feel disenfranchised or unsure about their role in society which is why, in part, incel groups of ‘involuntary celibate’ men and the manosphere is flourishing. I’ve explained to my son that women have been marginalised for thousands of years and that’s why they’re fighting back, and I tell him how loved and valuable he is, but while the gender balance shifts, so does the sand beneath our sons’ feet. I have less and less control over what my child hears and sees as he gets older – in truth, it’s a minefield and not just for mums, but for dads and carers, too. Mostly, it’s a minefield for our boys.
What toxic masculinity looks like
This is how toxic masculinity can manifest – not only towards females, but towards how males feel about themselves.
Against females – believing men are the dominant sex, and that women have their place; ‘benevolent sexism’ (a patronising attitude towards females); resorting to violence, emotional abuse or derogatory language against women.
Against males – not talking about feelings; needing to be ‘tough’, physically strong, assertive or good at everything; hiding tears or their feelings of vulnerability; homophobia, so being afraid to admit they’re gay or bisexual.
Why the term ‘toxic masculinity’ is unhelpful
Youth charity Young Minds defines toxic masculinity as ‘a term used to describe the negative aspects of exaggerated masculine traits, which boys and men may feel a pressure to conform to because of cultural or societal expectations.’ While it’s a convenient description, some experts argue that we shouldn’t use it. ‘It’s deeply important not to refer to masculinity as “toxic”, which shames and blames boys. This will shut down important conversations that explore masculinity in helpful ways,’ says Alicia Drummond, founder of Teen Tips and The Wellbeing Hub.
‘Furthermore, it drives boys to seek places where it’s OK to be male, which can land them in the problematic world of online hate and make them vulnerable to the influencers who promote the objectification, dehumanisation, control, and violation of women.’
One pilot study from 2020 highlights how most participants thought the term “toxic masculinity” insulting, probably harmful to boys, and unlikely to help men’s behaviour. Instead, we should talk about positive masculinity.
Alicia Drummond
Alicia is a BACP accredited therapist, parenting expert, sought after keynote speaker, member of the All Party Parliamentary Group for a Fit and Healthy Childhood, author and a mother.
Why there’s a rise in toxic masculinity
Social media – we know that it’s nigh impossible to keep kids safe on social media. It plays a huge part in influencing impressionable teens, and this is spilled over into our children’s lives outside the home. If you disagree with children under 16 having access to social media, there’s currently a Parliamentary petition you can sign.
Online pornography – ‘Reports show sexual harassment (both on and offline) is a serious problem in our schools’, says Alicia (this is highlighted in Adolescence). ‘Social media and online influencers who seek to indoctrinate boys into anti-feminist ideology – along with the availability of online pornography – lie at the root of the issue. And pornography has led to the normalisation of violence in sexual relationships’. The good news is that talking to your children about pornography can correct this, and schools are also working on the issue. ‘Messaging around consent and behaviour within relationships has become more helpful in promoting discussion’, adds Alicia.
Men shaming – There’s been a prevailing backlash against men in recent years. While this seems fair from a female perspective, it can feel very personal to young boys who are trying to find their way, and who may feel like they’re being tarred with the same brush as abusive males. ‘While the Me Too movement and the Everyone’s Invited website highlighted the inappropriate behaviour of some boys and young men, it resulted in education that shamed them,’ explains Alicia.
I’ve had numerous conversations with my son about this, as has my partner, but explaining thousands of years of female oppression to a child isn’t easy for them to comprehend. I’ve found that the best way to do this is to offset it with the good men have done and do now. I also make sure to say that I don’t think this of my son; rather I’m explaining how things were or are. Hard facts and statistics can be useful, so it’s worth checking Women’s Aid for info you can share.
Home environments – Environment also plays a part. If boys are exposed to violence or misogyny at home this will colour their world view. It’s thought, in England and Wales alone, 1 in 4 women will be subjected to domestic abuse and 1 in 5 kids will live with an abusive adult. That’s not to say that a child who’s exposed to this will become abusive (again, this is debated in Adolescence), but it can affect their self-esteem and influence their emotional development.
How can we help our sons navigate these pressures?
I’m learning small, everyday actions make a big difference. In my upcoming feature I look at the challenges parents face when having difficult conversations with their sons, and what I – and three other mums – are doing, or did, to guide our sons through the hazards of modern masculinity.
