No matter your age, a fulfilling sex life is always important, whether with a partner or by yourself, and no matter what ‘a fulfilling sex life’ looks like for you.
From navigating your own personal journey around sex and the menopause and the ups and downs that may bring, to getting out of a sexual dry spell or improving intimacy in your relationship, or even exploring ways to be intimate without sex, we can all stand to work on some areas of our sex lives as we get older.
We spoke to these five women who are working to ensure we can all spice up our sex life as we enter mid-life and beyond – and you might be surprised at just how much there still is to explore. Here’s what they’ve learned.
1. Explore cervical orgasms
(Image credit: Aiste Saulyte Photography)
“I burnt out in my 30s, working in a corporate job I didn’t enjoy, so I took time out to travel and rethink my life. In Southeast Asia, I discovered yoga and meditation, and knew I wanted a more fulfilling purpose. At the same time, I felt blocked sexually. I’d had a string of one-night stands and hated my body. I had no understanding of pleasure, but at a tantra-focused yoga school, I explored my sexuality. The breakthroughs were incredible,” shares Mangala Holland, a female orgasm expert.
“With the help of a guide, I discovered how to achieve mind-blowing, cosmic, cervical orgasms, which result from gentle, sustained stimulation on the cervix. It tends to feel very different to the ‘peak’ orgasms that we have from clitoral stimulation, creating a long-lasting sensation that’s like gentle, warm waves across the whole body. Many women find that these cervical orgasms feel more emotionally satisfying.
“I wanted everybody to know what their body was capable of, because I’d got to my late 30s thinking that short clitoral orgasms were all there was. I went on to train in a variety of wellbeing practices, including coaching programmes, energy healing and massage.
“I have now been teaching this material for over a decade, to women all over the world. The work is non-confrontational, in that there is no nudity. I invite my clients to do the practices and explore themselves alone.
“Many women tell themselves they will never enjoy sex, alone or with a partner. But whatever blocks people have can be worked through. It is never too late to find your peak sexual pleasure. I have clients in their 70s having the best orgasms of their lives.”
2. Work on emotional connections
(Image credit: Tyler Fayose Photography)
“My job as a paediatric clinical psychologist, working with families affected by the onset of life-changing chronic illnesses, and seeing the impact this often had on couples, led me to specialise in relationship and psychosexual therapy,” begins Dr Amani Zarroug. “Now, I see those who want to work on relationship and sexual issues, such as mismatched sexual desire or various diagnosable conditions. Others are trying to overcome infidelity or psychosexual issues.
“With erectile dysfunction, the root cause is usually psychological. However, I always advise people to rule out any medical conditions prior to therapy.
“There are always dynamics to unpick, life transitions to address and a journey to owning who we are sexually. For those in long-term relationships, sexual satisfaction can dwindle. But sex harnesses an emotional connection, so it’s important to nurture it. When couples make improvements in their sex lives, it improves other areas of their relationship. It works the other way too.
“It’s important to focus on all the things that bring us pleasure. When I’m not working, I love spending time with my children, and I’ve discovered an amazing Angolan dance called Kizomba, which has become a passion.
“But watching my clients transform their wellbeing gives me joy. They will get to a point they didn’t think possible, and it impacts every area of their life. It is beautiful.”
3. Invest in sensual lingerie
(Image credit: Club M)
“Turning 60 was a profound milestone for me. I’d spent decades focused on raising my son and caring for my elderly mother, and I didn’t know who I was any more. The feeling was all the more apparent when I found some underwear I hadn’t worn in years. I knew I’d never fit into it again because my figure had changed as I’d aged. It made me sad that most lingerie only looks beautiful on younger, thinner women,” says Maria Chapman, founder of luxury lingerie and loungewear label Club M.
“Where were the lingerie and bras for mature ladies who still want to feel sexy? I’d done some online research and rang several manufacturers, who confirmed what I’d suspected – there was a gap in the market for women like me. So I decided to fill it myself. I knew little about the lingerie industry, but everything about being a woman who deserves to feel beautiful.
“So I am now busy sketching designs and sourcing fabrics for my new luxury lingerie and loungewear label, Club M, designed to make women over the age of 60 feel stylish and sensual. Ethically made in the UK, the first line launched in October. My quest is to make mature women feel fabulous, loved and comfortable, no matter their shape or size.”
Maria Chapman, 61, is the founder of luxury lingerie and loungewear label, Club M. She lives with her mum, Stephanie, 88, in Cambridgeshire.
4. Feel proud of sex toys
(Image credit: Jemma Sawyer, ILOH)
“A few years ago, I was shopping for pleasure products. I was nearly 40, but the toys looked the same as when I was a teenager – all bright pink, phallic things that screamed, ‘I’m a sex toy!’” says Jemma Sawyer, founder of women’s sexual health and wellbeing platform ILOH.
“I should have felt empowered shopping for my sexual needs, yet I was looking over my shoulder, feeling shame. The experience led me to set about creating that difference for other women.
“In November 2020, I launched ILOH, an online platform providing sexual health and wellbeing products; the name comes from ilo, which means ‘pleasure’ in Finnish. I aim to help women shift their mindset by providing a shame-free shopping experience. All the products are designed to be kept in the open, not shamefully stuffed away in a drawer. Business boomed.
“Ignore the sex we see on TV. Two thrusts and everyone orgasms in unison? It’s unrealistic. Find out what kind of pleasure you are into and bring products into the bedroom to help you get there. The best sex toys aren’t a substitute, but an accompaniment to your lovemaking.”
Jemma Sawyer, 42, from London, is the founder of women’s sexual health and wellbeing platform, ILOH (now sadly closed).
5. Explore your post-menopause sexuality
(Image credit: Suzanne Noble)
“My marriage ended 25 years ago, and since then, I’ve had other sexual partners. But when the menopause hit, sex became so painful and uncomfortable, I didn’t want it at all. Many menopausal women struggle with vaginal dryness, which causes discomfort during sex. Fortunately, an oestrogen pessary helped transform my sex life, making it pleasurable once again,” shares Suzanne Noble, host of the podcast Sex Advice for Seniors.
“As we age, our bodies and arousal patterns are different, and low libido in menopause is common. It’s not just women – half of all men over 40 struggle with erectile dysfunction. We need to realise that penetrative sex doesn’t have to be the goal, or even on the agenda. It’s OK to spend time hugging and kissing with no pressure for it to lead anywhere.
“In 2022, I started my podcast, Sex Advice for Seniors , to help older people ask questions and, yes, have sex. It has helped thousands of listeners explore their sexuality.
“If you want to have sex as you get older – and not everybody does – it can be the best ever. You might need lingerie to help you feel sexy. You might need lube and vibrators to reach orgasm. But if something is holding you back, there are always solutions. We can all enjoy the journey to great sex.”
Sex, Death and Other Inspiring Stories
Suzanne co-created the Advantages of Age website with journalist Rose Rouse. They’ve released this curated anthology of stories from the site.
Mangala released her book Orgasms Made Easy: the No-Nonsense Guide to Self-Pleasure, Sexual Confidence and Female Orgasms last year.
More tips
If you’d like to shake up your sex life, these tips might help you out:
- Slowing down your touch, movement and breath makes you more aware of every micro-sensation, which can heighten your pleasure and orgasms.
- If you struggle with self-pleasure, try repeating permission-giving affirmations in your mind to help you relax as you touch yourself.
- Rediscover yourselves with new dating ideas.
- Make the effort to appreciate each other by creating excitement and changes to the familiar – you could even try one of the best sex positions after menopause to mix things up in bed.
- It’s never too late to buy a sex toy. There are many to choose from, but start with a bullet vibrator or a small wand vibrator that is easy to hold and operate, preferably USB-rechargeable.
