My birthday is looming and I am glooming. ‘Better let the fire station know when I’m lighting the candles,’ I quip. But before I can wheel out the whole routine about how ancient I am, my friend Ann fixes me with a steely stare from beneath her perfect Sassoon bob. There is an arch of an eyebrow. ‘Sharon, we are at the height of our powers,’ she says, in a voice that brooks no opposition.
And I realise she’s right. I’ve fallen into the terrible habit of making silly, ageist comments about myself all the time. I blithely stoke society’s prejudice against midlife women, adding to the damaging narrative that works against us – especially in the workplace.
It’s a serious issue, and the Centre for Ageing Better (CAB) has launched a campaign called Age Without Limits to tackle it head-on. Its State of Ageing 2023-24 research reveals that while 86% of people aged 35-49 are in work, it falls off to just 71% for people aged 50-64, which isn’t even the UK State Pension age.
It has made me wonder why I play the age card so often, when it’s clearly a losing one. Because I am at the height of my powers. I am wiser, more insightful and more skilled at my job than I have ever been. So why do I feel the urge to reinforce stereotypes about myself?
“Ageism is the prejudice that’s hidden in plain sight,” explains Dr Carole Easton, chief executive of CAB. “We see and hear casual ageism every day, it’s embedded in our society and is even accepted as normal by many of us who are older.”
It’s called internalising ageism – and I’ve heard myself do it three times this morning already. The first wasn’t even funny. In a rush to get my groaning to-do list achieved, I carelessly added an email request to get online birthday vouchers for a friend’s daughter. It was a scam and I fell for it. ‘I’m getting old!’ were the first printable words out of my mouth.
Then I was bemoaning the lack of cool female characters in sitcoms like ‘in my day’. All the while I was grumbling about my bad knee, the result of giving a boot camp a whirl. Again, ‘daft at my age’!
Yet young IT hotshots struggle to keep emails from being hacked and planes from being grounded, mainline Friends episodes from 30 years ago and get sporting injuries – even when they’re Lioness footy queens. The crucial difference is how we midlifers turn everything into negative proof of our age and then tell everyone else too.
Own worst enemy
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Sound familiar? Because I’m not the only one who began announcing to anyone within earshot that I was ‘getting old’ the second I wafted past 40, accelerating wildly after 50. Nowadays, I can be talking about the price of cabbages and find myself throwing in my age. It’s so irrelevant, I could kick myself.
All this when the fact is that there’s a serious skills shortage and the economy needs us. We command invaluable years of experience, an unrivalled long view, and skills formed and burnished through use. But every time we blether on about ‘getting old’ or trot out ‘at my age’, we’re encouraging society and employers to take us at our own estimation – that we’re past it.
I heard myself apologise to a lad in a coffee shop recently for using the wrong loyalty-stamp card. “It’s my age!” I trilled. No, it’s that I have at least nine different ‘loyalty’ cards and was in a rush for an important meeting, actually. Talk about being my own worst enemy.
Our superpower
I raise the issue with a gaggle of friends over 50, all variously employed in keeping Britain running. We’re on our second round of G&Ts when I ask why we sometimes use our age as a stick to beat ourselves with.
“It’s a self-deprecating way of getting in first before anyone else does,” admits Shona, who recently swapped an office in Los Angeles for a landscape management job in the Scottish Highlands.
But Vanessa isn’t having any of it. She’s just retired as a senior police officer and is in her second act as a TV consultant. “I find it uncomfortable when I hear women talking themselves down,” she says. “It just allows people to weaponise your age against you. My role has always been about my ability and skills. I’m not defined by my age or gender.”
Art teacher Eve agrees. “Being this age is a superpower,” she says. “I have had an interesting life and I can do lots of things.” Then we pour our third round of gins and watch a Miss Marple by way of inspiration.
For a final dose of good sense, I look to the stars, specifically Kylie Minogue, who happens to be the same age as me. She had this to say before, ahem, our latest big birthday: “My girlfriends who’ve turned 50 care more about what is important and care less about other things; they seem to inhabit themselves more. In a way I feel this is happening to me.”
So let’s stop writing ourselves off when we should be rejoicing in being at the height of our powers. From now on, my conversation is going to be a lot less comfy cardie… and a lot more Kylie.
Words matter
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Think about what you say, and it could help change the way you think about ageing…
- Don’t say: I can’t cope with new-fangled technology.
- Do say: What I don’t know, I can learn.
- Don’t say: I’m just an old codger
- Do say: I always draw on my experience.
- Don’t say: Oh, I’m past all that.
- Do say: Well, I’ll try anything once.
- Don’t say: I have to put up with aches and pains.
- Do say: I need a doctor’s appointment.
- Don’t say: Where have I left my reading glasses?
- Do say: Is it time to get contacts?
