Arguing in front of your children can be harmful. So, what can parents do when it’s impossible to find a moment where the kids aren’t within earshot?
It’s well known that arguing with your partner in front of children can have negative effects. Children exposed to parental conflict, such as aggressive arguments and yelling, may suffer from lower self-esteem, mental and physical health issues, behavioural problems, and even struggles in their future relationships, according to research by the Early Intervention Foundation.
When my three kids were younger, we could press pause on a simmering row and revisit it once the kids had gone to bed. Sometimes, we argued in sing-song voices in the car, spelling out grown-up words so that our toddlers weren’t caught in the crossfire of our crossed words.
Nowadays, however, the kids are never not around. It’s the summer holidays so my ten-year-old is often up watching a film long after I’ve fallen asleep during the opening credits. My older teens, meanwhile, appear out of nowhere like hungry apparitions at all hours of the day and night. They have a habit of wandering in from work (or popping up in our text messages) late at night seeking advice, connection or financial aid at the very moment that we finally have some space to unpick whatever we’ve tried to avoid arguing about in front of our daughter.
I very much do not want to get divorced. At this stage of life, I’m much too invested in my marriage and our family to pull the plug because we can’t stop arguing over how to load the dishwasher or who ruined a load of laundry. But the thought of enduring years of unresolved tension until the kids leave home and we can finally have a proper humdinger isn’t appealing either.
For some couples, the solution lies in starting over elsewhere, but that’s not for me. I love my husband, and I believe our differences are surmountable. I also know our arguments aren’t really about domestic chores but stem from the unspoken strain we both feel. We’re tired, overworked, and sometimes struggle to see the best in each other.
I’m not alone in this. Friends often share similar frustrations in hushed conversations after a glass of wine. We’ve been with our partners too long to think that more date nights or love letters will solve these deep-rooted issues.
Persistent arguments with your partner when you’re this far along the parenting path isn’t something that more date nights or a burst of couples therapy can fix.
Persistent arguments at this stage of life aren’t something that a few therapy sessions can fix. We need new, practical tools to manage conflicts. Tools that can quickly defuse arguments and spare everyone—the kids included—the emotional toll of constant bickering.
I turned to Olivia Edwards, The Positive Parent Coach, for advice. Olivia explains that navigating conflict in a relationship requires personal growth. “It’s about learning from mistakes, understanding when to take ownership, and recognising that sometimes, a partner’s reaction may be more about them than you,” she says.
Many of us have protective factors that influence how we respond during conflict, Edwards adds. These might include denial, blame, distraction, procrastination, or even obsessive behaviours like cleaning or turning to food and drink, among other habits, that act as a way to avoid the potential of discomfort or pain. “These reactions often stem from an inability to articulate our feelings or advocate for ourselves and act as a way to avoid potential discomfort or pain. It might be that you aren’t even ready to admit it to yourself.”
4 tips for healthier disagreements – even when the kids are around
(Image credit: Getty Images)
- WORK ON YOU The first step in navigating conflict better is to work on ourselves. Exploring why we get triggered and what our go-to protective factors are can help us achieve a state of calm. “If we can get to the stage where we can have discussions from a place of logic, reasoning, and calmness then we can offer genuine compassion and curiosity,” Olivia explains. “Sometimes this can be done, depending on the content, with children around because nothing is heated or inappropriate. It can be an opportunity to role model effective communication.”
- ADOPT A CODE WORD When it’s inappropriate for children to witness conflict, having a pre-agreed code word or gesture that one partner can use as a reminder to the other to talk about it later can be helpful. “This should be done in a way that acknowledges each other’s feelings without coming across as dismissive,” advises Edwards. “So agree on this method when you’re well-connected and in that logical and rational state of mind.”
- WHAT DO YOU NEED? Understanding what your partner needs during moments of conflict is also crucial. “Some people need space, while others need reassurance,” Edwards says. “Knowing and honouring these needs ensures effective communication and helps you grow together.”
- POWER IN REPAIR When conflict does arise, making time for proper repair is essential. Edwards stresses the importance of apologising and taking responsibility to restore any lost connection. “This is as important with your partner as it is with your children,” she adds.
The Positive Parenting Coach
Olivia is a psychologist and Early Years specialist with over 16 years of experience in education, psychology and child development. She’s also a mum of three children.
I put Olivia’s tips into practice the very next day, inspired by her insights. I took some time to reflect on my own ‘protective factors’ and quickly realised that, in moments of conflict, I tend to jump straight to blaming my husband. Ouch… It’s tough to acknowledge these truths about ourselves, and understanding why I react this way will take time. However, this new awareness allowed me to press pause the next time a domestic squabble started brewing. Instead of diving in, I took five minutes to sit with a cup of tea and note down what I was truly feeling. The result? The argument dissipated, I enjoyed a moment of calm, and I’ve started to explore why seeing dishes piled up in the sink triggers such frustration in me. Definitely progress.
I also tried out the code word tip—or rather, my ten-year-old introduced it for us. Recently, as we were mid-argument, she pleaded with us to stop and suggested we draw pictures instead. At first, I felt guilty that she had to step in as a mediator, but I soon realised she was instinctively giving us a code word. Now, we’ve adopted ‘let’s draw pictures’ as a family to diffuse an argument and guarantee laughter when tensions rise.
Olivia’s advice to identify what you need during conflicts has been especially helpful. I realised that I need to feel heard and understood. This explains why, during conflicts with my husband or our teens, I crave a response like, “My bad, I’m sorry that annoyed/inconvenienced/upset you; I’ll try not to leave my dishes in the sink in future.” Instead, they often respond defensively, as people naturally do when they feel attacked, which only makes me more frustrated. When I explained this to my husband, I could almost see a ripple of understanding pass between us. I can’t promise we’ll never argue again, but I feel we’re well on our way to resolving our differences with warmth, laughter, and some seriously entertaining art projects.
Ultimately, no parent is perfect, and it doesn’t harm kids to see that. Couples argue, and that’s normal. But by learning to handle conflict well—especially as your family grows and dynamics shift—you can teach your children that disagreements are a healthy part of life.
We could all use some help to improve our family dynamics from time to time, and we’ve got plenty of resources to help you with that, from the one phrase that saved my marriage and helped me to ease the mental load to 10 things I’ve learned about love after 25 years of marriage. Plus here are 3 reasons you should never say this well-meaning phrase to your partner and how to explain the mental load to your partner.
