A psychiatrist has revealed the simple phrase that could save your relationship – though it might be difficult to say out loud.
If recent research has shown us anything, it’s that the long-held desire for a ‘soulmate’ is a pipe dream. It might be sad to admit, but science has revealed it takes more than having ‘things in common’ for your marriage to survive and that the strongest partnerships are those that are made, not those that ‘just happen.’
Sometimes, that work you put in not only focuses on the partnership, but your own place it in. And that means, according to Harvard psychiatrist Dr. Frank Anderson, sometimes having to admit that you’re in the wrong in some arguments.
Speaking on YourTango‘s Open Relationship: Transforming Together podcast, the expert revealed that it’s all too easy to blame other people for the negative emotions we’re feeling when, really, it’s us who are responsible for our own emotions and the reactions to those emotions.
So, when you feel your anger rising at your partner, Dr Anderson says to repeat the phrase, “When it’s intense, it’s yours.”
He wants you to ask yourself, “Why am I reacting this way?” and dissect your reaction to something your partner may have said or done, rather than to immediately take it out on them.
He explains, “Why were you so angry? And so why was it important to be angry? And what was helpful about being angry? And, you know, why did you yell at [them]? And what [were they] doing that was so horrible?”
Analysing your reaction in this way can take you out of the heated moment, letting your brain cool down before either realising that your reaction was out of proportion, or that there’s a better way to speak about your feelings than with anger.
It will all help you to understand your triggers so you can work through them and stop letting them impact your relationship.
When you do feel anger boiling over, Dr Anderson says to do some ‘self-reflection’ to best dissect what’s causing the emotion. He recommends to try mindfulness techniques such as meditation, writing, or journaling, to really sit with the feelings you’re experiencing and think about what’s at the root of them.
It’s easier said than done to avoid toxic behaviour when times are tough in a relationship, but with expert insight we can notice the signs and hopefully get things back on track. From the 4 toxic traits that will ‘ruin’ your relationship, and how to avoid them, to the 3 reasons you should never say this well-meaning phrase to your partner, we’ve got you covered. Plus, if you’re struggling with communication, this is how to explain the mental load to your partner.
