Body positivity, as I’m sure you already know, is a huge movement, that’s been all over social media. In 2021, the term was even added to the Oxford English Dictionary. It’s safe to say that it’s been having a moment (or two), and is thankfully here to stay.
The movement is really intended to promote beauty in all shapes and sizes, as well as to ensure that, as women, we speak to each other with kindness when it comes to body talk. Body shaming is a no-no, and calling each other out on it is a resounding yes.
But, what if you’re the one who’s guilty of body shaming, and the victim is… yourself? Sometimes, that negative self-talk can do more harm than if it’s someone else saying it to you.
I consider myself to be a very outwardly confident person. But, lately, I’ve been less than kind to myself.
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You see, I, like many of you, gained some weight during the unprecedented stress of the pandemic, and the closure of gyms. I’m also getting a little older, working multiple gigs, and have a blended family with four children. The two hours a day I used to spend at the gym just ‘aint happening anymore.
I’m used to being pretty fit, and never paid much attention to the number on the scale (in fact, I don’t even own a scale). But, it was hard to ignore the signs when my jeans no longer fit like they used to (or at all) and my thighs began to rub together when I walked.
I started to suddenly catch myself speaking to my inner-self in a way that would be purely unacceptable if it were anyone else. Once the self-talk spiral downward began, it happened quickly.
More and more I began to avoid wearing jeans, in favor of more forgiving sweats (if I don’t attempt to put said jeans on, I can’t feel bad when they don’t fit), and I would even avoid looking in the mirror altogether. That allowed me to be somewhat in denial about it, and the inner-chatter would settle down for a brief time.
I recall actress Kirstie Alley once saying to Oprah Winfrey, “I didn’t know how fat I was.” Since I wasn’t looking in the mirror or facing my changing body, I thought, is this the case with me, too?
I started to feel uncomfortable in my own skin —something that was a foreign feeling for me, especially as someone who’d spent a large part of my career championing for other women to feel good in their own skin. I began to tell myself things like “I need to lose weight” and “I hate my body.”
Not only did I feel I no longer recognized myself on the outside, I was starting to look like a different person on the inside, too. I once did a TEDTalk that was, in part, on “learning to love the bodies we are in,” and now here I am, doing the exact opposite.
As a child, I was bullied for being “chubby,” and vowed never again to allow myself to feel terrible for the way I looked. So, not only did I have my 45-year-old inner-self talking down to me, that wounded little girl that still lived inside me was doing it, too.
We’re all only human after all, and I’ve learned over the years that there are ways to get myself back above ground when I’m heading down a negativity rabbit hole. Except this time, none of my usual tactics were working.
I fell deeper and deeper into self-hatred, and the struggle of feeling powerless about it.
I started to look back at photos of the way I used to look, and that just sent me deeper into despair. As someone who’s relatively in the public eye, appearing on TV (oftentimes covering topics like “how to find the right swimsuit for your body”), I’m used to being under scrutiny. People were kind —but started saying things like “you rock those curves, girl!”
And, that just made me ashamed of the way I looked even more.
When I’d complain about the way I looked in my teen years (as that age of many changes is rife with body-image angst), my stepdad would say, “if you’re doing something about it, don’t worry about it!”
So, these days, I’m doing something about it. I’m trying to get back into working out more regularly (as time permits) and eat as healthily as possible. But, the intelligent woman I’ve become knows that all that means nothing, if you don’t battle the root of the problem.
The root of that problem truly is the way I speak to myself.
Kendall Jenner recently revealed on a podcast that her therapist suggested she put a photo of herself as a little girl on her mirror, so she can look at it each day and remember that if there’s anything negative she’s saying about herself, she’s saying it about that sweet, innocent little girl.
Lizzo has shared that she talks “to her belly” and blows herself kisses in the mirror, and there’s a trend on TikTok where women are talking to the little girl who lives inside of them, so they can better heal their inner-selves, and childhood wounds.
If you are like me, and can relate to my plight, I wanted to share what I am now incorporating into my inner dialogue, in hopes of fixing what has become broken. While I haven’t yet taped a photo to a mirror or filmed myself playing with my belly like Lizzo did, I am trying to make sure that each and every time I am naked and vulnerable to these negative emotions, I tell myself these four meaningful things.
1. This body has birthed children
There’s no disputing that childbirth is a miracle, and I’ve done it twice. This AMAZING body birthed two wonderful children.
It is remarkable what the human body can do. I am grateful that this body allowed me to bring two, healthy, perfect, little humans into this world. Even if that doesn’t apply to you, your body is built to do marvelous things (should you choose to), and should be honored and celebrated.
2. This body survived a near-death experience, and lived to tell about it
In 2014, I had a major health scare —a pulmonary embolism— and I’m truly lucky to be alive, as I’d been told that most people who end up with this, die within 30-minutes of experiencing symptoms. I like to remind myself that each day is a gift, and my body is that of a survivor. So, how dare I disrespect it?!
3. Curves, lumps, bumps and cellulite are normal, and should be celebrated, not airbrushed or hidden from the world
In a photo-shopped and filtered society, if you’re constantly looking through that lens, it truly begins to warp your sense of reality. You forget that women actually do have cellulite, stretch marks, saggy boobs, pockets of fat on our hips (again, to help make our bodies more suitable for childbirth), back bulges, belly fat, and “lovely lady lumps,” as singer Fergie once sang.
Whatever your dress size is, or what the number on the scale says, and whether or not you have a muffin top in your favorite jeans or back fat in your favorite bra, is ALL.PERFECTLY.NORMAL.
A large majority of what you see on your favorite celebrity’s Instagram feed, or in magazines, is more than likely edited and therefore NOT.NORMAL. I know this is probably a pipe-dream but what if we all collectively got into the habit of showing raw images just as they are?
4. Stay present in the moment, and not dwell in the past
The temptation to scroll through old photos on my phone or Insta, or when those Facebook memories pop up, give me pangs of regret when I see how my body looked then, vs. now. That’s when I remind myself that as time goes on, things change —and change is OK.
I lean on my past research into mindfulness practices, and staying in the present moment —and to not get caught up in the past. The here and now is what’s important. Plus, our physical body is just here for the moment, and one day (probably too soon), it’s gone in a flash.
Sometimes, I just visualize giving myself a big bear hug, and that’s enough to knock me out of this spiral of self-hate.
I plan to spend each day living in that very day, in this very body, and working toward loving myself as much as possible —every inch of me.
