Seventy-two percent of millennials have made a conscious decision to stay single. That’s according to a survey by the dating app Tinder. Why? Because the generation that’s currently aged 27 through 42 values its freedom and independence, claims the survey.
But, what if a large part of that group simply gave up on finding love? With all the Mr. and Mrs. Wrong’s out there, it’s pretty easy to just want to quit the game of love altogether.
“Falling in love is one of the most magical experiences we can have as a human,” explains Cortney S. Warren, PhD, ABPP, board certified clinical psychologist and author of Letting Go Of Your Ex. “But, it isn’t something rational that most of us can ‘will’ to happen. For example, you could date someone you really like but aren’t able to fall in love with them, or you could fall in love with someone who’s not healthy for you. Who you fall for and why is a very complex interaction of biological, neurophysiological, psychological, and sociocultural factors.”
RELATED: 10 Reasons Why You’re Dreaming About Your Ex
So, with all that complicated medical and chemical stuff going on, is it possible to manifest love in our loves and attract the person we are meant to be with?
Dr. Warren says yes. “We can’t in the way that we can force ourselves to fall for someone specific. But, what we can do is put ourselves in the position to know ourselves well enough to know who we are and what we want in a mate, and make efforts to interact with, and meet, potential mates who would be a good fit for us.”
How do we attract our person?
Dr. Warren breaks it down in these four steps:
- Be yourself. “Be as authentic as possible, instead of trying to be who you think a partner would want or what society deems ideal. The idea is to find someone who will appreciate you as you are!”
- Explore your values. “Getting clear about the core principles that you think lead to a meaningful, positive life is key to knowing what you really want and need in a future partner,” says Dr. Warren.
- Use dating as an experiment. “Although finding a long-term mate may be your ultimate goal, dating is also a great way to learn about yourself and what you do — and don’t— like in others,” explains Dr. Warren. “Instead of going into the date focused on meeting the right person, go into it as if each encounter is a means to learn more about yourself.”
- Build your self-esteem. “Remember that you are just as valuable single, as you are with a partner. The better you feel about who you are, the more secure, empowered and confident you’ll be in general,” she adds. And… BAM! That’s when Mr. Right will come waltzing into your life.
What else can we do to manifest love?
Once you’ve spent time learning about yourself, boosting your own confidence, and learning to love yourself (before you can truly love anyone else!), it’s time to take the pressure off.
“Pressure is the antithesis of sex and romance,” explains Michaela D’Artois, certified sex coach and sexologist, and founder of Inner Eros. “Much of what strips our relationships of spontaneity is the expectation that looms over us — to be sexy, to be turned on, to be ready to jump your partner’s bones at any given moment. When we fall into tropes of what romance should look like we leave very little room for what it can look like,” she explains.
It can be tempting when you first meet someone, to immediately turn the topic of conversation to sex — especially if it’s someone you’re highly attracted to. But, not so fast, says D’Artois. This can keep you from finding the person you’re truly meant to be with.
“A suggestion I often give clients to dispel the pressure from their romantic dynamics is to remove the topic of sex altogether,” advises D’Artois. “This might sound counter-intuitive but when we approach a partner with an offering of sensual or nurturing touch, instead of with the charge of erotic or sexual touch, we allow closeness and intimacy without strings attached, while leaving space for what it can evolve into open-ended.”
And what it can evolve into is a loving and nurturing life-long partnership with your person.
